There are but two very specific types of people who flirt — singles and those who are married. Single people flirt because, well, they’re single and therefore nobody is really obligated to talk to or do the ‘wild thing’ with them. But married people are more of an enigma — they’ve already found themselves a suitable significant other. So why do they persevere with the game, and how do we flirt to begin with?
Flirting Stats
Statistics vary but most experts agree it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if we’re attracted to someone. As much as we’d like to believe it all rests on that witty opening one-liner — sorry, it doesn’t.
First Impressions
You need to get the body language down pat right off the bat or they won’t bother sticking around to find out how charming you are.
Here’s a thought to make you feel dreadfully self-aware — before you’ve even uttered a word to the person you’ve got your eye on, your posture and the way you’ve walked is more than 80% of their first impression of you.
5 Expert Methods of Flirting
The Flirting Triangle
When we look at people we’re unfamiliar with such as in a business situation, our eyes make a zig-zag motion — we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.
With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape — we look from eye to eye and down to include the nose and mouth.
Mirroring
This is what separates a competent flirt from an expert — nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone’s behavior. If they lean forward to say something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back, sip their drink and look you in the eye, you pause and follow suit.
The philosophy is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they’re on the same level and mood as we are.
The Eyebrow Flash
When we first see someone we’re attracted to our eyebrows rise and fall, and they’ll do the same if they’re equally attracted. Watch closely and carefully, because it only lasts about a fifth of a second.
Pointing
Steal a glance at their feet and hands. We have a tendency to point toward the person we’re interested in — if we find them attractive, we’ll often point at them subconsciously with our hands, arms, feet, legs, and toes.
Blinking
If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases, as does their blink rate.
Cues of Readiness
Notice the sidelong glance paired with the weak smile, the slightly sustained gaze given? A woman tilting her head to the side a bit, exposing her soft, sensuous neck, or looking at it another way, her jugular? A man maintaining his body in an open, come-on-attack-me position, arms positioned to draw the eye to his impressive lower abdomen?
Golden Rules of Body Language
Don’t judge based on one thing alone. Sitting with one’s arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture — but it could also mean they’re freezing cold, or hiding a freshly spilt drink on their shirt.
Why We Flirt
One of the reasons we flirt is that we just can’t help ourselves — we’re programmed to do it by biology or culture. The Max Planck Institute in Germany filmed African tribes in the 1960′s and found that the African women did the exact same prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile that he saw in America.
Flirting with Intent
But for the rest of you, you know who you are. Once you move into the verbal phase of flirting, it’s pretty much all intentional.
Flirting is Second Nature
The uncertainty of flirting is one of the most exhilarating things about the game. “Flirting opens a window of potential. Not yes, not no.” says Perper. “So we engage ourselves in this complex game of maybe.” The game is anything but new — the first published guide on how to flirt was written about 2,000 years ago, Perper says, by author Ovid.
Why Married People Flirt
What drives many already committed people to engage in the art of woo is often not doubt, but curiosity. Flirting “is a way of testing one’s mate-value and the possibility of alternatives — actually trying to see if someone might be available as an alternative.” says Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.
For Benefits
Flirting can be an emotional resource to gain something — not usually for money, but for the intangibles — a better table, a juicier cut of meat, a discount, or to return a purchase without any hassles.
Online Flirting
The digital scene is all words and no body language — whether online or in text messages, nuance is nearly impossible. And since text and e-mail flirting can be done without having to look people in the eye, it’s bolder, racier and unrestrained without thought on whether the message could be misinterpreted or should even be sent at all.
Affairs
Many people who flirt off-line aren’t typically looking for an affair. But one of the things about married flirting is that it has a much greater degree of danger and fantasy to it. The stakes are high and risks are great, even if the likelihood of anything happening is slim. But for some, it’s a highly addictive drug.
Safety on DatesIf you’re cyber dating, using the personals or a dating agency, it’s a good idea to arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste time if it doesn’t work. Don’t lead anyone on if they’re not your fancy — which might turn into stalking — by being polite in saying “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.”
Go Forth and Flirt
By now you’ve become an expert in the sphere of flirtation, armed with the best tricks of the trade. Flirting is an elixir, a way of feeling more alive, more vital, and more desirable without actually endangering the happiness of anyone you love.
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