In most relationships, the time to say goodbye usually arrives at one point or another -- unless you intend to walk down the aisle, of course (and even then...). With your ex, you've shared memories that will either make you laugh or cry, and it's time to take your experiences, put them in your back pocket and move on. But somewhere on the road of parting ways couples feel the need to promise to stay friends -- which ultimately leads to more broken promises.

So, can you ever be friends with your ex? Does it have to be all-or-nothing?

One of the characteristics of a deeply bonded friendship is emotional safety 
 meaning that you have the freedom to completely be yourself and openly share about the deep down stuff of your life. With emotional safety, you can be real - no social mask required. This also means that you lack hidden agendas, and that’s where the problem comes in as former lovers attempt to be friends too soon.

The typical scenario is this: you dated, you fell in love, and you broke up.
 (We’re not talking about the kind of dating relationships that never got that deep.) Now, the person who once loved and made love to you is dating someone new, maybe even sleeping with someone new. It is almost impossible to resist the temptation to compare yourself to the new person in your ex’s life. “Why not me?” you can’t help but wonder. You haven’t yet moved on to someone you’re crazy about, so you are still feeling raw and wounded.

Your ex-lover, now “friend,” shares about a new relationship and you find yourself “coaching” him/her against it.
You find fault with the new person, fault with the way they connected, fault with just about everything. You have a hidden agenda whether you are aware of it or not: to keep your ex-lover single until you are happily in love with someone else or until he/she comes back to you. Exposing yourself to the reality that your lover has moved on is like pouring gasoline on a fire - it keeps you inflamed, prevents healing.

Here’s what works: Post break-up, don’t see one another and don’t talk on the phone until a significant time period has passed.
Give yourself time to heal from the wounds, the loss, and the disappointment. Protect yourself from further injury by removing yourself from the knowledge of your ex’s love life. Agree that you will re-evaluate and check in with one another down the road. Six months, nine months, or a year later, take inventory. If you’re feeling truly comfortable - couldn’t care less if he/she is with someone new - then see if you still want a friendship with that person.

Most of the time, people discover that they don’t. Bottom line: it’s rare for ex-lovers to become good friends, and if they do, it is only after the passage of time and with a great deal of healing. Most likely you should just move on



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